So you’ve found yourself in the middle of a raging storm. What do you do next?

Here are some practical things I learned about staying healthy, happy, and raw enough to recognize grace—if only a little!

1. Put on your oxygen mask first. You will do no one any good if you crash and burn. Lock the bathroom door. Take a breath. Hide in the car with your favorite song and weep if necessary. Whatever you choose to do, take care of yourself. FIRST!
2. Ask for help. I resisted for many years until I crumbled under the weight of our situation. There are many resources at a hospital, including social workers, palliative care, an ombudsman, and a chaplain.
3. Sleep is the ticket to sanity when caring for a loved one. It strengthens your immune system and allows you to make rational decisions. Invest in noise-canceling headphones or use earplugs. I use an eye mask to block out the light. I’ve tried them all, and in my opinion, the best one is Bucky Eye Mask.
4. Surround yourself with good listeners. When my son was young, I found many people within the special needs parenting community. The best supporters didn’t try to fix my problems but offered me a safe place to process what was happening in my life. They made me laugh in the middle of my suffering and became trusted supporters when I needed to cry.
5. Nurture your marriage. Any major life crisis can create fractures in a marriage, and raising a special needs child is no exception. Connect with your partner daily—even if it’s a simple text emoji or a quick message saying, ‘I love you.’ Give each other the grace to have a bad day. Carve out time to listen to one another with your eyes, ears, and heart.
6. Find your tribe. Find the 3:00 am people (it can be as few as one or two) in your life who are truth-tellers—those who will be honest with you, support you, laugh with you, love you, and stick with you even when your life is a disaster.
7. Keep a log of daily updates or have someone else do it on your behalf. Short social media posts can be a simple way to communicate with a large group of people who want to find ways to help. One friend used takethemameal.com to create a customized online sign-up sheet that made it easy for people to bring us meals.
8. Resist the click. Beware of making online purchases when you are sleep deprived. Remember that things are not as enticing in the daylight hours. Enough said.
9. Get outside and move. Exercise releases hormones that keep your mind and body happy. Many hospitals and community centers offer restorative yoga and meditation classes for caregivers. If you don’t have enough time for a class, take a walk around the building—even in the rain.
10. Quiet your mind. In the middle of a crisis, this can feel impossible. I get it. I use the apps Insight Timer, The Tapping Solution, and Headspace. My daughter uses Relax Melodies: Sleep Zen Sounds to help her fall asleep. You’ll find them online or in the app store on your smartphone.
11. Try using a mantra to help center yourself. I repeat a phrase whenever my mind races with worry. I change my mantra as needed, but “All is well right now” helps me reframe my thoughts and stay in the moment.
12. Keep a stash of healthy food at the hospital. When I was there for weeks and months, it was a handy way to refuel when I realized I hadn’t eaten all day.
13. Avoid itchy butt. Institutional toilet paper is like sandpaper. Trust me, after sleeping in your clothes for days and sitting in a plastic chair all day, and you will want something soft down there. Bring 2-ply toilet paper when you check in to the hospital. You will thank me. 🙂
14. Smile, even when you don’t feel like it. An approachable demeanor goes a long way when dealing with a medical team. Be polite, even if you have to grit your teeth. Know when to follow the team’s advice and when to advocate for your loved one with the ferocity of a Mama Bear. You’re the one who knows them best!
15. Bring a friend to critical medical appointments to take notes. Ask lots of questions. Don’t be afraid to disagree with the medical team or ask for a second opinion.
16. Let the tears flow. Crying has been proven to release toxins, kill bacteria, improve mood, relieve stress, and boost communication. So go ahead, reach for the Kleenex and let go of your sorrows!
17. Bring meals to the hospital for the caregiver. One family friend brought me a picnic breakfast of steel-cut oats, a fresh fruit salad, and breakfast muffins and stuffed the basket with an assortment of tea bags. It was the first actual meal I had eaten in days!
18. Take action. Do something that others would never think to ask of you. Do their laundry. Fill the refrigerator. Bring them healthy snacks, soft socks, new underwear, and lip balm. My neighbor shoveled dog poop off my front lawn and cleaned the chicken coop. I cried when I came home and discovered what he had done.
19. Give yourself a break from social media. Don’t fall into the trap of comparing your life to others. No matter how beautiful the pictures look on social media, no one has a perfect life.
20. Write a daily gratitude list. Going through my darkest days, I wrote a gratitude list and emailed it to a friend daily. It began changing my outlook on life.
21. Start a journal. It helps to get your feelings out of your head and onto paper. In addition to purging angsty feelings, I make a point to write funny things that my kids say. Looking back later, it reminds me why I love them so much.
22. Visualize a mini vacation. With your eyes closed, picture a place (real or imagined) where you feel safe and relaxed. Using all your senses, feel yourself in comfortable clothes, hear pleasant sounds, see beautiful colors, and taste something delicious. Visit this spot whenever you need to relax and de-stress.
23. Give yourself a pep talk by reading from a daily devotional or gratitude book. I love the devotional, Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young, and a little gratitude journal called Daily Gratitude: 365 Days of Reflection, by National Geographic.
24. Laugh. A hearty laugh is the best medicine. It reduces stress, increases resilience, boosts immunity, combats depression, and relieves pain. When my son was in the hospital, I found that witty banter back and forth with a friend over text would break my cycle of stress and help me cope.